Header image credit Charamelody on Flickr
Casey here,
I found another excellent gem from the AMP archives and want you guys to check it out.
This one goes pretty deep and is all about rejection.
You know, that fear we have that if we walk up to the amazing woman at the coffee shop, she’ll totally annihilate us and leave us on the floor broken and bleeding out…
Or is that just me?
I suspect every guy has at least a little fear of rejection at some point in their lives. This clip gets to the bottom of rejection. What is it really?
That’s Decker, Garrison and Kendra inviting us to clear up exactly what rejection looks like to us.
What exactly is a rejection for you?
For me, it’s fear that she’ll see the real me and instantly know I am not good enough to even talk to.
I am terrified of getting that confirmation from a beautiful woman(even though it has never happened in real life.)
Great, so I see how my own flavor of rejection shows up, now what?
If you are getting clearer about how “rejection” shows up for you(and in your body) can you keep following that thread down.
What type of things occur as rejection to you?
When we find a few of these, we start to see our own “matrix,” the way in which we create rejection in our own mind.
Mine often looks like the “not good enough” and that i’ll freeze and not know what to say.
Decker uses the Myth of Narcissus to help us see into this phenomenon even deeper.
If you hear that myth and you think that narcissus just loved himself too much, you are actually not getting the deepest cut of this myth.
Narcissus did not love himself too much, he didn’t love himself at all. He loved his reflection, the thing outside himself that he was using to try to see himself better.
That is the opposite of self love. That is not love at all.
Here, Decker shares intimate details of his own myth of rejection.
It’s nice to hear Decker is a little human too.
Decker’s version sounds different from mine and I am betting yours is different and unique as well.
So if we each have a unique version of this myth of rejection, how the hell do we work with it?
Wow, ok, so I see that I am looking on the outside(to women) to supply me with the affirmation that I am good enough and I am terrified of not getting it.
What if it’s not true?
What if women have absolutely no authority over whether I am good enough or not?
Sounds like freedom to me.
I can imagine all my interactions that don’t come from the place of looking for narcissistic validation being much easier, and if they don’t go well, does it really matter all that much?
For a little extra practice, here is Decker guiding you through an awareness meditation that takes you right to the heart of your own narcissistic triggers:
As you bring this “matrix” into your awareness may not be totally effective right at first.
Who knows what the woman is doing when she pushes back against your curiosity but it may not have anything to do with you.
As you work with it, you’ll start to notice easier and easier interactions with women that used to scare the shit out of you.
I’d love to hear how this Rejection myth plays out for you guys in the commments.
Stay Tuned…
In sharing these posts with you, I am really inspired to jump in and take it to the next level with you guys.
We’re re-launching a favorite AMP program in the next couple weeks…with fresh legs, and new insights for you.
Keep an eye on this blog and AMP emails so you can get in on this killer program before it fills up.
For me, “Fear of Rejection” comes not in those initial meetings, but much later when I begin to reveal less obviousthings about myself. I’ve spent my whole life traveling and meeting people (of both sexes) from all kinds of cultures and backgrounds. If someone piques my curiosity, I find no shortage of ways to “break the ice.” But when I get to stuff which I consider the “core me,” things can get a little dodgy. I’ve come to understand that a person’s response, good, bad or indifferent, to what I say tells me more about them than it ever does about my own value, but there have still been plenty of times when, after a less-than-pleasant response I have thought to myself, “I wish I hadn’t gone there…”
Interesting Doug, and I feel ya.
Sounds similar to the approach rejection scenario, but maybe a deeper cut.
Narcissism’s like the silent killer in my world.
The bitch with Narcissism is how good it feels to get noticed or seen in some way, and its easy to fall into those traps that ironically create low self esteem just through getting high off of getting reflected.
This applies to any addictive behavior… but Narcissism specifically affects interpersonal relationships as well as creates an incomplete sense of self.
…And I notice that in me, a part of me is totally putting in my analysis so that I’ll get noticed/reflected. That’s how vicious this stuff can get… it just sneaks in.
Get addicted to being liked and you’ll seek it so much that it puts people off. (My trip)
Or on the other side if you’re so repulsed by the idea of being disliked (like me) that you avoid people… that’s the other end of the spectrum. I think its a posture/collapse relationship.
Posture by avoiding people so that you don’t get hurt. (Shows up in my life as hiding away at home, avoiding eye contact, playing video games, ignoring other people’s needs, inflating my needs, putting things off, and reject them first so they can’t reject me)
Collapse by overreaching to get noticed or reflected. (Shows up in my life as gushy over-dramatic affection, putting others on pedestals, being a know-it-all, assuming that I know what’s best for another person, attention seeking, flamboyant/random behavior, saying things that are completely out of left field, fantasy creating/dreaming-up the reality that fits my immediate needs and whims best (this one sucks with girls – it creates a stalker vibe because of the lack of real communication), and even making up entire world views and perspectives in order to feel important & maintain false self (probably my biggest and most pervasive trip as of right now)
The composure point is actually the ability to just be.
Wow, I never thought of collapsing and posturing this way. I really recognize myself in your examples — both for collapsing and for posturing. If this is really collapsing and posturing, I’m doing both while I thought I was only collapsing… so I guess that’s an improvement lol.
What I dig is that you don’t have to wait for Decker to create a posture/collapse model. lol.
You can actually pick apart a fundamental dynamic on your own, and then see all the ways you posture (Pretend you don’t care) and collapse (Care so much its off putting).
Then add your personal flavors and boom – you got a map for how you default behave in any situation. And yea as a bonus when you post on these public threads it can benefit others MASSIVELY.
I actually really enjoyed how Casey shared his flavor on here. He’s in this with us.
Thanks! This was actually helpful, insightful and deepened my experience of relationship. I learned some things and I was actually able to work toward some understanding. Thanks so much for being generous with what you do.
Especially seeing as he just released parts of what are usually a $30.00 recording publicly & for free.
So i pose a question about my own experience of this information…I know and see this desire to enjoy my reflection in others. I’ve never labeled or pinpointed it though until now. An example in my life now would be about how ive done some of my own work pretty intenesly recently, and im getting feedback from others in my community about how they notice my presence, my softness and i thank them for their acknowledgement, and i would typically go into asking them questions about their life right after that but that feels inappropriate. Inappropriate because i used to use this as a diversion tactic from myself and focus back on them because i felt unworthy of being talked about. Sometimes i do ask though because i am genuinely curious and sometimes i stop myself because i don’t have time to get into the 15 minute conversation that could ensue. I guess this is more like public journaling for me because i cant find a question around this piece lol.
But i have a question about what other questions can you offer around discovering where my narcissus needs stem from? And once i have answered questions like “why do i need someone to make me feel needed?”, and i get back “because then i feel like i have social value, which means i am accepted by others, which means i can then be acceptable, which means i can accept myself” and boom that makes lots of sense….but i dont know what to do with that answer beyond saying, “well acknowledging is the first step”……whats the damn second step!?
maybe this should be a forum question..
I’d question even the need for a second step. Noticing is really all it takes to get the fundamental groundwork laid down. I often find that I’ll notice something for the first time and it will hang with me just because I noticed it. (Presence) I’ll be aware of it for a while and start to filter it through my values system, and then over time as I keep noticing I automatically find myself getting more and more familiar and “right with” what I’m noticing. (Appreciation)
Once you are totally fucking cool with how you are exactly where you are at, and no sooner… you will feel space to choose. (Integrity)
Hey! how do I download the audios?????? The download option does not seem to correspond. Pls guide me.
Love Divya.
You could replace ‘rejection’ with ‘failure’ and get the same insight
Fear of ‘failure’ is such a broad concept that everything Decker said in this interview could apply.
What would ‘failure’ look like? And what would it mean if ‘failure’ happened?
The more I dig into myself about ‘fear of failure’ the more I realise it’s not even really a thing
If you dig even farther you could probably find a point where “failure” is something that really hurts. And “success” is something that you assume will feel *really* good.
And then you can tease out what that looks like for both ends of the spectrum for you personally.
Then practice noticing. Eventually you’ll automatically find yourself walking that tightrope Neo style.
Example from my life:
Last year I had a job I hated. I hated it so much that I didn’t even do any work. I just milked it as long as I could and I *knew* that I would wind up being fired eventually. I was in a space where I was unhappy and lost (this was autumn 2012), plus all the end of world Mayan stuff was freaking me out. I would work, go home, play video games, repeat for months. Meanwhile I had been working on myself for going on four years and was starting to hit a plateau. I didn’t know what was up, but I did know that I wasn’t going to get much farther in my growth in my current circumstances. (Presence: Noticing, remaining aware, tracking, feeling, etc)
I committed to *BURNING* in what I did not enjoy. I was tired of this, but it was all I could really see and other options did not present themselves to me at all. I felt truly stuck. In October instead of beating my head against the wall, I chose to surrender. I had finally reached a threshold where forcing myself to grow wasn’t working anymore. I gave up on personal development for several months and found myself automatically exploring other areas I was interested in just because I had taken myself off that hamster wheel. I started having a lot more fun and rolling with the punches more. (Appreciation: When you see something or notice something, *how* are you relating to it? What you resist persists. What you embrace loses its hold over you.)
In January ’13 I was finally fired for stealing documents from the break room in an attempt to prevent my workplace from fining a friend of mine who worked in a different part of the complex. The next day I turned myself in realizing what I’d done, and found out she was about to fire me anyway because a customer had ratted on me for fooling around with some of the tech stuff in a game store instead of doing my job.
Big failure, right? Huge mess? Bad rap on resume? Lots of shame and guilt? Hell yeah it was. It was shaky cause I’d never been formally canned before, nor had I ever come so close to getting in legal trouble. Close call. But that was the natural turnout of me just doing my best with what I had until something broke. And what broke was my job.
Here’s the killer: Right around then my bud John offered me some free coaching. Out of the blue, basically. And me suddenly being jobless was the perfect opportunity to develop new beginnings. He hooked me up with a Tony Robbins 30 day program and I was in the trenches for a month, building up my values and exploring what I wanted. (Integrity)
A few days into that process… old memories of an event that had been running my life for 12-13 years resurfaced. I had been totally unaware of them *and* under their influence and control without even knowing it. (Presence – saw something I hadn’t seen before) I spent 5 days an emotional disaster reliving all those memories (Early February ’13), then it bottomed out and I had to contact someone who I was *really* scared to contact. (Appreciation – noticed and embraced the reality, felt through emotions, *burning in it*) Apologized to her, she said “No worries”, basically. Then that faded and I had a sudden sense that I needed to move… that I needed to go get involved in a Community or something. It popped up as a result of me working through some of the buried hurt and guilt that had been operating beneath the surface. (Integrity – had divine impulse/chose to consider a move)
Contacted my bud John and asked him if I could join his community in North Carolina. Not a good idea because his community wasn’t ready yet. He wasn’t planning on it getting big until next year. (BTW its taking off if you’re interested. AMP Chapel Hill NC) John suggested I contact Decker and ask if I could intern at the Integral Center in Colorado. I didn’t know Decker very well, but I had messaged him on Facebook sharing experiences on my path, plus he lead the AMP Intensive I went to in San Francisco in late 2010. I sent Decker a message via Facebook requesting an internship, and long story short I was given the green light.
Totally by luck my tax return was coming in plus my birthday was coming up. My parents went big for my 25th birthday and helped me get out to Boulder for the internship, and then I used my tax return money to support myself while I was out there. Internship at the Integral Center? HUGE OPPORTUNITY. I was STOKED. My growth went up x10 after 3 months of living and breathing their work. When I finally went back home and people saw me for the first time in 3 months they were like “WOW. You’ve changed.”
My time at Integral was just what I needed to take care of all my backlogged emotional problems, and it helped me develop serious self love, discipline, rightness with my desires, etc. I’m a new man. I’ve been home for 2 months and I really haven’t had to do much. My hands have been full with resolving old emotional baggage that’s been nagging at me, plus building up a good circle of friends and just having fun for now. Spiritual truce. *And* I’m aware of obligations, desires to be back in Boulder by Spring 2014 to continue my training, and I owe certain personal development companies a lot of money… lol. So I’m working towards getting a job and hopefully not starving this winter.
But the best part of following these threads and moving forward and trusting… is that life is good even when its not. I can face even the most daunting of challenges with more ease and playfulness as time goes on. And *that* has been the goodies for me hitting my 5 year anniversary of starting this work. Can’t wait to see what I’m gonna be like when I’m 30. Stoked.
So yeah man… enjoy the ride. And if any of that helps then make note of it and apply it. Find your own groove. Just being on this forum in the first place means you’re doing GREAT. 99.9% of men will never experience this type of work. You’re in the top 00.1%.
Although I hope that by the time I’m dead every man and woman will have access to this work. Liberation.
For me, it isn’t fear so much as it is being blown off over and over again, usually with an abrupt “Go away you creep and don’t ever talk to me again”, or something along those lines.
As such, I’ve more or less given up.
Yep. Isn’t that one a bitch?
Dude I can tell you first hand as someone who has experienced that… pretty viciously and pervasively actually… its all something that’s going on inside of you. She’s probably talking to you that way because on some level you actually believe those things about yourself, then she picks up on it and blasts it back at you.
Recently (Within the last month or so) I was actually forced into a situation where I had no choice but to feel all of my worthlessness and stuff that seems to relate to what you’re saying. I went through a period through middle school & into halfway through high school where a girl I was pretty taken with would say shit like that about me to her friends and then I’d hear about it second hand & feel like crap about it. Plus it would happen almost weekly for 2-3 years whenever school was going on. Crumbled my self esteem. She’d say things like “I hate him & I want him to die.” Crap like that. And if it was some random chick it would have been no big deal but I was head over heels for this girl… so every time some kid in school would run up to me and say “She said she hates you X, Y, Z blah blah blah” it was like getting blasted by lightning or something. After 3 years of that crap there wasn’t a *me* left anymore. I was like a broken remnant of some natural disaster. lol.
Plus it was all crashing down with family at the time, and an abusive step dad who was starting shit with me every day and this crap. Plus a broken ankle, weight gain. Social isolation. Everyone in school jumped on the “Josh is a creep” bandwagon after everything that went on in the 7th grade… it was a pretty fucked up situation. And I’m clear… it was BULLSHIT. They were WRONG. I’m actually a great, strong, independent guy – not only did they miss out – but they also beat down a natural leader and a guy who had probably the biggest heart of any guy at that school. So they missed out. Our class could have been amazing had I been strong enough/unencumbered enough to lead the show like my Dad did in his day… and instead they put me down. Now half of em are flipping burgers and working dumb brainwashing jobs and I’m the one living a pretty kickass free life. Its a shame.
So anyway dude… that “You’re a creep” “I hate you” stuff… as someone who has gone through that hell x1000 and is finally starting to be liberated from it… I can promise you it isn’t the reality. If you’re willing to face it, you’ll bounce back and then some.
You ever considered moving to Boulder and checking out the Integral Center? That place is like dipping your body into transformational solvent.
I actually lived there for 3 months and DUDE… DUDE… you gotta go check it out. That’s where the magic’s happening.
Careful though. lol. My first 2 weeks there I thought I’d never stop crying. Getting used to that kind of context is INTENSE. These people are the real deal.
Seems like the download link isn’t working.
Updated this. should work now.
I just wanted to share… I’m going through rough times lately and am quick to take on the roll of teacher and preacher when underneath I’m really hurting and feeling a lot of fear, anger, resentment, sadness… I’ve been crying nonstop for months now and the tears still keep coming. I’m tired of hiding behind my know it all wall.
My fear of rejection, narcissism, is fierce in my world. It kicked in very early on when I wasn’t even 2 years old. I had spent the first year of my life very attention and love starved while my parents would do whatever they did and I’d spend a lot of time sleeping during my first year. When I would go to school for young kids I’d get really excited because there were so many people and I’d start clinging onto other kids… Literally run up to them grabbing them. Mainly girls. Lol. And it was always with such force that they’d be repelled by me.
Fast forward many years and I’ve been feeling into the root of that loneliness and how I spend my first few years in total isolation, fear, and lockdown. Like a prisoner in my own home. Parents divorced on me, me struggling to keep my family together at age 4… Fruitlessly trying to prevent a divorce.
Over the years it just kept stacking. I’d bring that significance into friendships and the people that I really liked and admired didnt want to be around me because I put them on pedestals. First with boys who I thought were cool, and then later with girls throughout middle school and high school. It has created chaos all around me, basically me being a lonely hurt kid grew into a downright pathogical clinginess.
Feeling into the root of it lately and it has been bitching hard… Tears, anger, grief, misery, everything. High highs and low lows. I’ve had to come to terms with the fact that I’ve scared people in the past and some of them just want nothing to do with me. Period. Ever. And the tears of being a human being who wants to be understood and loved… And the people who I admired most are the ones who think I’m some kind of monster. It’s been sooooo hard. It isn’t even narcissism anymore… It’s just pain. Constant constant pain. I’m in a solo zen burn working through basically every stinging rejection of me, every person I loved who thought I was a freak, people who are to this day clear that I’m a bad person or think I mean them harm. I’m so tired of it.
I hope that that wont be the case when I’ve cried the tears and moved past the pain. I hope a time will come when the people who hate me will see me on a different light. I’ve been wanting to be seen and loved for so long… And have fought to protect even the people who refuse to see me and love me for me. I keep wanting the best even for them even when it hurts. Even when it kills me and I think I’ll die from the pain.
Very real and raw “confession” from someone who is facing his narcissism full on for the first time in his life. It has been debilitating. Sometimes I seriously wonder if life’s worth living. I’m gonna keep burning, keep crying, keep letting go, keep feeling pain, and keep practicing taking responsibility for me and my experience.
Respect for your burn brother.
I invite you to try on the possibility that this “narcissism” you speak of could possibly be just another facet of you that you could say “yes” to.
Keep breathing, love all parts, get support where you can.
When in doubt, less do, more be 🙂
Much love,
Case
Ah thanks, Casey. Right when I needed it. 🙂
Yeah I’ve been messing around with that lately because before in August thru September when my pain was peaking I would reactively meditate and such because it was too painful not to… But after a while I found I was making myself more miserable and trying to fix the emotions.
Lately I’ve just been doing what feels good, and I just accept the process and let it flow. A lot of the stuff I was trying to fix before is self healing.