Nice Guy.
Friend Zone.
“Let’s Just Be Friends.”
These words still ring deep from my past.
I thought I knew what I was doing. I like women. I think they’re beautiful. I always have. I spent years, well through high-school, college, and into my twenties believing that if I could become just the kind of guy girls said they wanted, I’d have a girlfriend and finally lose my virginity.
You may imagine my confusion when that didn’t happen. Perhaps you have a knowing chuckle at my naïveté. Maybe this feels all too familiar.
Being this guy sucks
My confusion swung me from thinking there was something seriously wrong and defective with me to believing that women were senselessly cruel and confusing.
Then came a wake-up call. After faithfully putting several years in the friend zone, I was on the verge of converting this woman who I thought was The One.
Fearfully, I scrutinized every little thing she did to the last drop. My worst interpretations seemed the most plausible. When I had enough, I would snap. Literally, I was like some kind of heartless monster lashing out at her, only later apologetically returning to make amends.
I’m chilled recalling how I screamed venomously into the phone at her in the middle of the night.
I was not the nice guy I thought I was
After so many missed opportunities with her, I just walked away. Totally severed all connection. My heart began to freeze into a ball of resentment towards all women. Years would pass before I felt any genuine desire for a real woman—save my total sexual objectification of them.
Since then a lot changed. I lost my virginity. I had my first girlfriend. I genuinely like women and think they’re beautiful. I no longer think in terms of the friend-zone. Now, I have more rewarding relationships—friendships as well as sexually and emotionally intimate connections. It’s not always everything I think I want. There are ups and downs along the way. I don’t yet have the life partner I hope to have one day. But there’s one important thing I learned…
I didn’t respect myself or women
At some almost entirely subconscious level, I was keeping score. I believed I could earn, exchange, cajole, win, persuade, control… you name it. And I’m pretty sure women I pursued could sense this, even if they weren’t able to tell me straight.
I did not truly respect women—I judged and resented them. I didn’t truly respect myself—I thought I needed to earn something. All they knew to do was say “I don’t like you in that way, let’s just be friends.” Then I blamed them for putting me in the “friend zone.”
In this place I was nobody’s friend. Not the women, and definitely not myself. This might be some kind of zone, but it is definitely not a “friend zone.”
It was painful for me to see this about myself—but it was exactly what I needed to wake up, stop blaming women, start taking responsibility for myself, and get my ass to AMP.
Things haven’t been the same since.
This video inspired me to write this. Watch it!
Well written, hopeful article! Entertaining, powerful video. I’m also feeling left hanging…. the post title alludes to a myth about the friend zone. what is that myth?
I hope our little update to the article helps Vera:
“In this place I was nobody’s friend. Not the women, and definitely not myself. This might be some kind of zone, but it is definitely not a ‘friend zone.'”
Maybe you could think of it as a “self-created ineffective predator zone” or something like that 😉
Thanks for writing about your journey, I’m sure you will help many. This article about friend zoning is popular too (one from my website which showcases articles I consider worthwhile): http://fozmeadows.wordpress.com/2012/04/09/lamenting-the-friend-zone-or-the-nice-guy-approach-to-perpetrating-sexist-bullshit/
Nice article. It hits on similar points as mine, particularly with the quote “Friendzoning is bullshit because girls are not machines that you put Kindness Coins into until sex falls out.”
I hesitate to make political comments, particularly regarding sexism, because so often it seems to arise in part from victim identification and group-think, which can be disempowering to both men and women. And I also think it would be inaccurate to deny the unconscious effects of culture entirely.
That said, friendzoning may be a form of misogynous sexism on the part of men—almost certainly it plays some part in most cases—it did in mine. And I also see how my friendzoning was due in part from internalized misandrous sexism from feminist messaging that had me fear, misunderstand, and judge my own sexuality. I can’t speak for others directly, but I imagine it could be a rich inquiry for men and for women to notice all of the dimensions around this issue.
Thank you so much for writing this! I really appreciate your honesty and integrity, you’re an excellent role model for men. I wish more guys understood that it’s not ok to use a women’s friendship as a means to an end. As a woman, it’s a horrible feeling when you realize that the guy you believed was a trusted friend was actually never your friend, he was a guy with an agenda. I love this article, thank you again!
Short & to the point. Can relate.
Thanks, Michael!
Hey Michael,
In my opinion there is no problem when it comes to attracting women by being a nice guy. Of course you should have your own opinion and don’t be needy but you don’t have to be an asshole to seduce women.
It’s somehow true what you said. Is somebody who is stuck in the friend zone really a good friend to women? I think not. I think it is just called “friend zone” and in reality he is in a zone where he isn’t okay with himself and therefore the women can’t be okay to have a sexual relationship with him.
First heal your relationship with yourself and then the relationships with women.
Sebastian, I think you are right on. I’ve got no problem being genuinely “nice” or genuinely a “friend.” And, I’m certainly not advocating being a asshole. What I am advocating is genuine self-respect and being straight with women, rather than trying to manipulate them by appearing to be a “nice guy” when its actually not authentic. FYI, you are kind-of outing our “secret ingredient” at AMP when you say “First heal your relationship with yourself and then the relationships with women.” This is exactly what we do at our live AMP courses.
I find it interesting that most of the commenters on this article are women.
A very powerful and moving article. Thank you for your transparency Michael, especially in light of the fact that I have been one of the women in your life. Your honesty and authenticity (and ownership) make you a deeply admirable man.
Seriously, why is it that on a site called Authentic MAN Program that most of the commenters are women?
Not sure. Are you wanting more comments from men?
I don’t know what brought other women here to comment but I am here because I Googled “friend zone” and followed whatever results looked interesting enough.
i’m in the similar situation now but from a different cause. i always subconciously looking for women who had very similar music taste with me. only that happens then i will treat it as attraction or conneciton. and that’s part of me going crazy about that girl. then i will over look the relationship i have with that girl and started to think we are meant to be together. but in fact ,i have taken it much more serious than it actually is and ignoring the true attraction happens with other girls in my life. i’m suffering right now that i felt like i had lost so many chances on how to improve relating with women and i’m so used to shutting down the true feeling of attraction and look for this fake attraction. i’m 25 now and never had really dated a single girl!