In my private coaching practice, the holidays are the time of year where all the work we’ve been doing around staying centered and non-reactive in the face of intensity gets SEVERELY TESTED.
Why?
Our families.
While visiting the family can be a joyful occasion, it can also trigger the hell out of us.
- Mom and Dad bickering
- Your bragging, obnoxious brother-in-law who won’t shut up about how he beat you in bowling last year
- Your spoiled, demanding cousins
- Your sibling who still treats you like you are still in potty-training
- Your neurotic, obsessive-compulsive chain-smoking Aunt Linda who insists on bringing her cat everywhere with her
Get them all in to the same room, and watch the fun begin!
I put together 3 quick tips to support you in getting the most out of your time with them, and these just so happen (like ALL of AMP’s work) to apply to relating with the ladies.
Tip #1: Remember: Everyone’s Doing the Best They Can, With The Resources They’ve
Got
If you have trouble with “being a Yes” to your family, then this perspective, which has its origins in NLP, will be great for you for cultivating compassion.
Remember that the members of your family that you don’t feel “met” by may just not have the resources (skills) to relate with you in the way you might like.
“The World is Perfect As It Is, Including My Desire To Change It”
– Ram Dass
So, remember that everyone’s doing the best they can with the resources they’ve got… before you fly off the handle.
And the same thing goes for those wacky, exquisite, often irrational, lovable creatures we call… women.
Tip #2: Don’t Try to Force A Flower to Bloom
I stole this from the “Foundations of Inner Game III: Power of Integrity” training manual:
One of the biggest challenges with doing personal development work is that as you begin to “see the matrix” – you realize that many of the people you love the most (family members especially) are still stuck, completely oblivious and unaware of the habitual, reactive patterns that run their lives.
Our tendency is to try and MAKE THEM SEE what we see, but I have found that while this can work sometimes, my ATTACHMENT to having them see things from my perspective can often GET IN THE WAY of them waking up to these realizations for themselves.
For me, I have come to simply trust the process of each individual’s unfolding, and just as you can’t force a flower to bloom, when it’s time, it’s time.
If they’re ready to hear what you have to share with them, great. If not, practice understanding THEIR world (and this SUPER important for when you’re relating with women).
Tip #3: Play it Like a Game
While some people may dread spending prolonged periods of time with their family, you may want to consider it like a game:
How fully and completely can I ENJOY and CELEBRATE my family (including all their
neuroses?)
Putting your interactions into a “game” perspective when interacting with people who trigger you can help you to relax out of “needing them to be a certain way,” and refocuses your attention on actually ENJOYING yourself – a revolutionary concept for some when visiting the family.
This is a key perspective that is incredibly useful in relating with women as well.
Since emotions are contagious, if you’re skilled at enjoying yourself regardless of the circumstances, chances are she’ll catch the same wave. And making it a game helps keep this in perspective.
Hope these quick tips help you through the holidays and beyond.
Leave a quick comment, and tell me your thoughts!
Merry Christmas, Happy Hanukkah, Killer Kwanzaa, etc…
Bryan and the AMP Team
Powerful and useful tips – keep up the amazing work.
Brilliant! It seems I’ve been using some of these ideas and not even known it. Thanks for the continued support of your AMP community!
Allan
Points #1, and #2 are golden. #3 doesnt land very well. I get the idea, but I think you need a distinction other than “game” to describe this.
Thanks, awesome tips.
I love how you don’t always just cover interactions with the people that we are sexually drawn to but also now and then look at how we can better interact with the other people in our life that are also important to us.
Happy holidays
Peace.
Thanks, that was exactly what I needed!
Good stuff!
You guys are amazing. I love it how your stuff is more than just about women, but the ‘side-effect’of these principles is being better with women. It’s counter-intuitive; I’ve become better with women by taking my focus AWAY from women. Weird shit, huh.
Take care guys..
Right back at ya with..
Merry Christmas, Happy Hanukkah, Killer Kwanzaa, etc…
John
Value.
…Killer Kwanzaa.
lol
Great stuff Bryan…especially enjoyed your second tip (Don’t force a flower to bloom). I think that lesson plays a huge role in maturity and even overall happiness.
Good stuff!
A key for me has also been to learn compassion with my family. Like when I get annoyed with my mother, feeling like she is nagging me, I TRY and step into her shoes and realize she is just loving me 😀
Happy Holidays!
Great Posting. Thanks Bryan.
For me, my difficulty in living these 3 tips is becoming more clear to me and that is appreciation of however the others are. period. As Bryan has highlighted many times, we often go from presence to integrity which stimulates my wanting to make the flower bloom (#2)or even taking it personally when they are just in their story and spin. And that takes me out of enjoying the game (#3) of truly my own enjoyment and celebration…
do we have the same aunt?….can’t wait to see the look on uncle bob’s face when i give her that victorias secret gift card……great tips!! merry x-mas
Tip #3 is very powerful. I remember when I was married and my mother in law, Jean, would visit (actually my wife’s step mother). My wife would get so upset over so many things. From the outside it looked as if Jean would do things just to piss off my wife, like run her fingers over the mantel and turn up her nose in disgust at the dust, or pick up a glass, get a scowl on her face and put it down again because it was presumably too dirty. My wife would nearly explode.
For some reason, perhaps because Jean’s actions were so outrageous, or because she actually had no real power, I found it rather amusing. I used to think of it as a game, like, “I wonder what Jean is going to be turned off by next?” I was able to bring enough humor to the situation that we could get though the three-week visits.
I just need to bring this same level of awareness to my intimate relationship. It’s one thing to navigate when I am not attached; it will take quite another level for me to navigate when I am hooked on the outcome and the process.
Thank you for distinguishing what was working so I can apply it to areas that need a bit more play.
What a different world we would all live in if at least one of the family had these tips in mind during the holiday season! The funny thing is, it all sounds so common sense, and yet in the context of close relationships, all sensibility gets thrown out the window. It takes great determination to hold true to such values when every fibre of your being is determined to react. I recall Tolle quoting someone in A New Earth along the lines of that if you want to test your spirituality, go spend some time with your family.
Thanks for your HoliDaze tips. My older bro sent them to me. Hopefully I won’t ‘read’ too much into his motives. Hee, hee. I think all three of your tips include what comes to mind for me: compassion. Remember all memebers of the family are SUFFERING in their own unique and personal way. Try to find compassion for their suffering, then act accordingly.
Good stuff, Bryan. Over the years I’ve learned that if I focus on the COMMON GROUND between me and my fundamentalist Christian family we all get along fine AND, once that is established, we end up having great conversations about religion, politics, philosophy and lifestyle. Cheerios!
Nice tips. Tips #1 & #2 are now especially useful when others come to you for your advice/opinion on their own personal drama… them (women) wanting to change their significant other (usually a guy) who just doesn’t get it. As much as I want to just pour the whole knowledge into their brain like a firehose, I have to remember that we are each on our path and we all travel at different speeds (and in their case, in different directions too).
Tip #3 is golden. I guess we can say that’s an extension of being present… Perhaps being dragged into the family drama might be the equivalent of being inside our heads? and by consequence, being present would simply be being a witness, being aware of the sensations, the feelings, but in a state of peaceful mindfulness? Or maybe I’m just taking this way into the deep end… Of course, it’s easier said than done, but worth a try.
I constantly struggle in number 2 with my Mom, 365 days a year. Thanks, beautifully stated!
Tip 4 should be if none of the above work, just grim and bear it and plan on making 2009 even more fun with attractive women than 2008 !! Merry Christmas to you all !!
Hi Brian, these are great tips which can really turn a disaster into a great success.
Good tips, specially the NLP perspective…I wish we all remember this when the time comes!
Thanx Bryan
Great info. It of course adheres to all success principle and personal growth information I’ve studied. I just wanted to add another tip I got from reading about Samurai. They were masters of presence and completely aware of their feelings. They accomplished this through intense training; one technique they used was to state their feelings as “someone is feeling…”. This separated themselves from their innate physiological response. They realized that they were not their emotions, and that by stepping back and viewing them as the emotions of someone else, they could make a better rational choice or action. I use this whenever I’m with my family, and it helps. I’m sure when I am at samurai status, holidays will always be a blessing. : )
And the same thing goes for those wacky, exquisite, often irrational, lovable creatures we call… women [and men].
If they’re ready to hear what you have to share with them, great. If not, practice understanding THEIR world (and this SUPER important for when you’re relating with women [and men]).
Tip #3: Play it Like a Game
This is a key perspective that is incredibly useful in relating with women [and men] as well.
– – – – –
I’m new to this blog. From the title, I guess it’s aimed mostly at men, so that must be why there are the comments about women. I think the tips are great, but as a woman, I felt surprised and saddened that someone as apparently enlightened as you would make such a demeaning generalization about women as “often irrational.” I’ve certainly met my share of irrational people of both sexes, as I’m sure many of your readers have, too, and I think men and women can be equally challenging to deal with/communicate with at times. I personally make a concerted effort to be fair and rational in all dealings, and not only for the person and moment at hand, but exactly to discourage and disprove such generalizations about women. It might appear that I am focusing on a small snippet, but maybe your coming from this mindset contributes to creating the challenges…?
Fundamentally I like your tips in this post. They are clear and practical and I think they are a wonderful contribution to better communication (and holidays!) in the world. An even greater contribution would be to *model* your Tip #1, “Everyone’s Doing the Best They Can” in relation to describing women. I’m sure you know that what appears irrational to an observer may simply be that s/he does not yet see all the “dots” that the one observed has “connected” to arrive at an interpretation. Maybe the observed’s dots don’t include vital information, and that makes their conclusion appear “irrational,” but that is a GAP not an irrational conclusion.
May you always seek another’s logic before labeling that person “irrational,” and may you always receive gentleness around your own gaps. Thank you for your commitment to healthy and happy relationships. 🙂
First off…I LOVE YOU GUYS !
You make the only material that, for a change, makes me feel like i’m opening up and knowing who i am more instead of this contraction and feeling like i have to show parts and reject others
@Liz:
I highly doubt the “women are irrational” statement was demeaning or said with a demeaning intent; even tho you believe it to be (and generalized your belief lol but enough on that…).
Pretty much everyone, to an extent or another, is irrational to me. Especially me; if people questioned their own reasoning for a while, most will have a hard time understanding why they reacted the way they did.
You were right, this is aimed at men so it’s natural to address and talk from a men’s point of view of women not really making sense to them and if you read what was written (a little more calmly :D) you’ll find that they’re actually saying your advices…
LOVE YOU GUYS !
Peace out
Great advice, but it goes back a lot further than NLP. Buddha, Jesus, Lao Tzu… even Grandma.